| Looking Back on it Now... |
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Posted on July 09, 2008 @ 6:04 am
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Random Ramblings
I've grown an awful lot since I first moved to Austin. I was 17, wide-eyed, and naive. I think in the almost four years since then I've become more... weathered. I've done and seen a lot since then. I've gone through countless acquaintanceships, friendships, and relationships, then somehow ended up right back where I started.
The seventh would've been me and my ex's 2 year anniversary. I figured it'd be better to not contact him, to try to pretend like I didn't remember. I watch "Casino," awesome movie, and I think of my relationship with him. He was like Ace (Robert DeNiro) and I was like Ginger (Sharon Stone). He gave me everything I could possibly want, took care of me, trusted me with his entire world, and loved me more than I could handle. I didn't have a coke habit that caused me to steal $250,000 and run away with my pimp ex-boyfriend, but I did ultimately refuse his love and leave him heartbroken. I think about him every day and I feel an incredible amount of guilt over what I did to that man's heart.
Not completely unrelated, Andy and I are still close, which I never would've predicted back when we met. I feel like our relationship has grown into something a lot more open and mature than what it was even a year ago. At 17 you can't possibly wrap your mind around the concept of a non-high school relationship and it's unfortunate that I even tried. But he understood and was as gentle as he possibly could be (which wasn't gentle enough for someone who technically should've been a high school senior) to try to keep from breaking my heart. The rumors, the bad news, it all still got back to me and I responded the way they did it in the movies. I slung mud, talked trash, and swore him off forever; and I chose to do it somewhere where it'd be immortalized forever: the internet.
But here's something the lurkers don't understand -- he's heard all the stories. I've heard all the stories. The common thread here appears to be that the stories don't matter. We're human, we fuck up. We're all a little crazy. All of our relationships have some sort of train wreck quality to them.
It's 6:30 am. For reasons unbeknown to me, I've been having an awfully hard time finding sleep before sunrise. I stayed up til 10:30am Sunday night/Monday morning. I need to get some sort of sleep schedule going. I have an audition this evening. I had an audition Sunday. Hopefully I'll get a call back from one of those two.
I need sleep.
I'd really like some sleep.
I have so much to do today.
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| "In my defense, when I made those comments I was being fucked extremely hard." |
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Posted on December 07, 2007 @ 5:02 pm
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It's been so long since I've updated. So, what's new?
I serve wings and beer. I think my monitor's going to go out because it keeps fading in color. Tragic. I had a fanciful evening a couple of months ago with a friend that I swore off in this very journal. It was fanciful. I also had a disappointing evening with that same friend the very next night. Surprise? I have a car. I have girl friends now, kind of. I was on the cover of some indie local sci-fi mag. I hate the picture so I haven't shown it to anyone, really. Um, what else? I drink beer now. I also do roughly 200 crunches a day to avoid beer gut. It was originally 400 but I'm not a big fan of laying down on random ground to do crunches.
I want a Dell Inspirion for Christmas, I think.
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| Crazy? No! Dumb? Yes! |
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Posted on May 03, 2007 @ 10:42 pm
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I think I don't like whiskey anymore.
This is depressing.
I had gin the other night and enjoyed it.
Are Jack and Nedra finally calling it quits?
Say it ain't so!
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Posted on April 21, 2007 @ 12:20 am
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:(
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| Community Service = Fun. |
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Posted on February 12, 2007 @ 3:17 pm
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I'm going to be working the Music Saves Lives Booth at the Houston Taste of Chaos date, March 5th. So swing by and greet me and even register as a bone marrow donor! Either way, come by and say hey and buy me a beer.
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| 2006: A Look Back with Pictures and Shit. |
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Posted on January 02, 2007 @ 6:48 am
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Just what the title says. Click the thumbnails.
"Death Proof" movie shoot.
I only took a few pictures from this and I wish I took more. I have a terrible habit of not taking pictures when I should so these are the only pictures I have from that shoot.
Me in the bathroom between setups. I hung out in there a lot to avoid social interation.
Omar Doom. We were hanging out outside the craft services truck being drunken sillies. That guy's amazing and you should definitely check him out in "Grind House," mkay?
( And a CUT! )
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| Band Guys, Cops, and Drunk Girls - The Cast of My MN Trip. |
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Posted on October 04, 2006 @ 1:57 am
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Well for starters, my brand new Betsey Johnson carry-on bag is somewhere in California now. I got drunk as fuck and left it on the Gym Class Heroes tour bus. To make it a little worse, my Social Security card, house keys, ipod charger, and cell phone are all in that bag. Thankfully Disashi's FedEx-ing it to me on their next day off.
Speaking of drunk as fuck, how about a minor in consumption charge to match that missing bag? We were partying on St. Thomas's campus and got busted by campus 5-0. They basically let our drunk asses off with a warning after putting all our info on file. So if I'm caught drunk on that campus again, my ass is locked up.
The Gym Class Heroes/Cobra Starship show was so badass. Jill, Tiff, Sarah, and I were all up front. We pre-partied and arrived just in time to enter while "Sexy Back" blared and Cobra Starship set up. During GCH, Jill and I screamed stuff on stage between songs. ("WHERE MY CHILD SUPPORT?!") Then afterwards, we all took part in a bus party that started at Triple Rock and ended in a hotel parking lot. A lot of drinking, a lot of dancing, a lot of great moments. Cue, "Dude, where's my bag?" and Jill still being too drunk to understand what a big deal my bag being MIA was.
The next day, Jill and I were so tired that we just ended up laying around watching her DVR'd episodes of Top Model. Then we went to Target to get me a new carry-on bag (X-Men backpack!), ate at this cute restaurant, went to Cheapo Discs and Records and got me a fuckload of Prince CDs, tapes, and vinyl records. Then falling asleep watching something, waking up to Cosby, then home.
I had an amazing time, honestly. I loved every minute.
:: Nedra
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| What Does It Take? How Long Must I Wait? |
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Posted on August 23, 2006 @ 12:12 am
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A lot of 'news' -- new apartment, new roommate, new inspiration, new daydreams, new vice. I'm more inspired than I've been in ages. I've got stuff to do!
I kind of miss the old roomies. I miss the calming smell of marijuana, the sound of laughter at 5am, the pulse of a Madonna bassline in my bathroom, the creepiest fucking cat in the world somehow still being really cute, and being DK in Mario Party. I miss you, DK!
Going to Minnesota, not New York. The VMAs would've been nice. Not yet, I see. Minnesota's going to be great. I'm SO excited I cried about it earlier. I'm going Uptown, to First Avenue... gonna be a Prince overload. Ha, no such thing! Getting more Jill time there. This time I'm going to do it right. I'm sure we'll visit Sex World. Then GCH show. More Mall of America. More Metropark. Mmm. Excited!
I keep losing signal. I keep losing sleep. I keep losing. But not for long. Right turn ahead.
:: Nedra
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| The Lifestyles of the Scandalous |
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Posted on June 28, 2006 @ 3:50 am
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New layout, new entry.
Newly single [again] and new take on life.
New money, new clothes, new perspective on everything.
Warped Tour [Round One] is Friday.
Of COURSE I'll be half naked. Are you kidding?
I'm starting to miss him again. Good thing I'll be seeing him in a month and a day.
Yes I'm going back to the Midwest. It happens.
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| I Am Safe In Here From The World Outside |
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Posted on May 15, 2006 @ 9:28 am
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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music |
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What It Is To Burn - Finch |
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NEW HOUSE!
Love. Love. Love.
I'll post pictures and a real entry soon. :)
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| A Bottle A Day Keeps The Temper Away. |
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Posted on May 05, 2006 @ 12:36 am
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music |
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Crazy - Gnarls Barkley |
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So I have two REALLY awesome guys I want to date but for some reason I KEEP comparing them to him.
Whenever I'm with them I just keep saying to myself, "He's too tall."
"He's too preppy." "He has bad tattoos."
"He doesn't have a nice body," or something FUCKING stupid like that.
It's really super annoying because I like them both. (One more than the other.)
I just want Andy. That's it.
He keeps telling me how much he loves me.
He keeps making me be honest about how much I love him.
I'm so jealous of his girlfriend.
Just like he's fucking jealous of every guy in my life.
I hate how much time I spend thinking about him.
I hate how I'm late for work every day because I don't want to stop talking to him.
In other news, we move into the house on the 15th!
Ladies and gentlemen, we're stocking up on limes and salt.
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| Back to Being Emo |
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Posted on March 11, 2006 @ 11:44 pm
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I made myself full just to feel empty.
This is getting really bad.
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| Dear God. |
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Posted on March 06, 2006 @ 6:06 am
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I'm not sleeping tonight.
I can't remember the last time I felt like this.
I can't remember the last time I cried like this.
I wanted to hold you tonight, I wanted to hear your heart beat just to make sure you're still alive. My mind knows you're okay but my body doesn't believe that you are. Dear God, sweetie I just want you to be better. I want to let out a sigh of relief and be glad it's all over but it's NOT. I know it's not.
I feel terrified right now; I want to be holding you but so angry that I want to scream in your face. I feel like I'm going to throw up. How could you ever doubt that we love you when you saw the tears in our eyes? I understand that sometimes you need reassurance of the fact that you're loved but for the love of God, that's not how.
I'm exhausted. I've listened and I've held hands. I wish someone could tell ME it's okay because I feel a mess.
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| Nevermind. |
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Posted on March 05, 2006 @ 10:00 pm
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music |
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The Crowing // Coheed and Cambria |
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I want to move on but he wont let me. My heart wont let me, my radio wont let me, my TV wont let me, my brain wont let me, my body wont let me. Every time I decide I'm tired of being his, he pulls me back in. He tells me he loves me and I can't let go. He tells me he needs me and I can't be angry. I'll fly wherever he wants me to. I'll do whatever he needs me to because I'm weak. I'm weakened by his voice, his touch, his words. I kind of want to hate him for controlling me -- I've tried -- but I can't. I won't.
So yeah, I guess he's right when he calls me a baby; I've been crying like one.
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| Sigh. |
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Posted on March 02, 2006 @ 10:06 pm
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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Everything's great around me, but not inside me.
He's miles away in every possible way.
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| Yeah. I Passed Out. |
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Posted on February 24, 2006 @ 3:02 am
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I'm still recovering from my Midwest visit. I still haven't gone to sleep yet. I don't know why. I'm SO tired but I don't want to just go to bed. So, here I write.
I'm keeping the pictures from the other night nestled warmly in my heart and memory. Tonight I lie in the dark, sifting through everything -- the feel of your skin, the smell of your sheets, the tranquil melody of your voice, the violent movement of your body. Caressing the thought of being so filled with emotions and thoughts and sensations and chemicals that the absolute ecstasy is overwhelming and I, for a moment, leave this planet. I awaken to the sound of your concerned voice gently kissing my name, and your hand gently tapping my cheek. I return to this world to return to you; I return to you only to leave again.
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| Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster. |
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Posted on February 23, 2006 @ 11:00 am
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So, okay. Somehow Austin was colder than Wisconsin. I got back today and I was like "WHOA-MG." I could hang in Wisconsin, but there's something about Texas cold that hurts.
My three days in WI were super eventful -- good food, good times, kickboxing a screaming vegan, Fight Night on X-Box 360, Ultimate Avengers, just overall badass experience. Vegan cookie dough ice cream is AMAZING. And I got the Sea Salt and Vinegar chips I'd been craving since I saw my neighbors munching down on them. But I left them there. Depressing. There were only like 10 chips left anyway. Oh and we saw Firewall. I didn't even ask his opinion on it. I just thought it fucking sucked and never wanted to discuss it again.
Then yesterday I went to the 'Sota and met Jillian. She's so pretty. I felt so shitty next to her because I was looking crazy haggard. Then I missed my flight back to Austin and had to haul ass on another flight to Houston, sleep in the airport, and catch a flight back to zee ATX. I was SO tired. I'm still tired. I need sleep. But it's big sister's birthday and I must purchase her gift and hand-deliver it.
Break beds, not hearts.
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| Fuck him. |
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Posted on February 10, 2006 @ 3:31 am
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mood |
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content |
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Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions. I got to eat lunch/dinner with Jenn. UPGRADE. I got into a massive fight with my ginger boy that ended with me in tears. DOWNGRADE. Jill and I enjoyed the funniest shit in ages and I cried laughing. UPGRADE. I downloaded some music I haven't heard in ages. UPGRADE.
The positive always outweighs the negative.
Listen to Blackalicious, motherfuckers. It'll make you feel better.
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